This week Scotty was dragging his feet about going to Glasgow. I’d thought of a tweet: Bozo Scomo’s Glasgow No Show gives Australia climate change FOMO. But it looks like a bit of public pressure from Prince Charles, mining magnate Twiggy Forrest and a Croc Dundee styled billboard in New York Time’s Square calling him a Coal-a-phile, and another one saying ‘Come to Australia – cuddle a koala before we make them extinct’ has hit hard.
He’s going. And he’s got a plan. Jenny found it scribbled on the back of a BHP investment portfolio. It was simple. It said ‘Ask Barnaby’.
While the federal government scrambles to agree to the 2050 net zero plan, a target that has already been deemed too late, the rest of us are asking: What the f**k are we going to do? I mean, if they can’t agree to a target how the f**k are they going to manage the action part of the equation?
One sure way to impact on reducing emissions is to transition to electric vehicles. Other countries are leading the way. Norway has more electric vehicles sales than any other country, something like 74.8 per cent. In 2020, we had 14,253 EV’s in Australia; or 0.1 per cent of 19.8 million registered motor vehicles. We are really f**king this up.
In order to transition from a fossil fuel powered car industry I think we need to address our car culture. We’re petrol heads. Mad Max would have been a very different movie if Mel had to find a charging station instead of fuel.
There’s no thrill doing ‘maineys’ and burnouts with an electric engine. How does a bloke get to feel like he’s got a massive penis if his car is silent? Will EVs signal the end to a cock dominated car culture? Is patriarchy under the pump? The whole ‘fill er up’ approach is very penetrative. If we are to hit net zero in the next 20 years the fossil fuel phallus needs to become extinct.
I often dream of our zero emissions future. I imagine a bikie gang coming into town; The Renewable Rebels. They can co-ordinate their drug drops with charging stations. Earth, Wind & Ice. I wonder if they’ll even be terrifying anymore? A swarm of bikers are always accompanied by the noise of their engines. And stink of their petrol filth. Big, dirty, noisy bike gangs.
What happens when they slip into town on their EV cycles, quiet as mice?
Maybe a couple of blokes are going to have to make petrol motor noises by blowing raspberries. The kind of ‘brooombroom’ that a toddler does when they push matchbox cars on the carpet.
It’s a brave new world! Imagine Satan’s Choice Motorcycle Club now powered by solar. The devil really is in the detail. I love the idea of working the solar panels into the insignia stitched on the back of the jackets. Or seeing bike helmets with wind turbines.
Just because you are a badass doesn’t mean you have to be a carbon emitter. Like a modern day Ned Kelly you can still steal from the rich, but you need to be putting it back into the grid.
I really want an electric vehicle. I don’t want to be left behind.
I don’t want to be a wowser at the bowser.
This article was originally published on The Echo. Reproduced with permission. Mandy Nolan is a comedian, author, journalist, MC, keynote speaker, humour therapist and comedy instructor. She is also the Greens candidate for the federal seat of Richmond.